Halloween Costume Guide 2022
How to get through this weekend without pissing anyone off
Halloween is a time to celebrate mankind’s imagination and individualism by transforming into your favorite persona for an evening. Everyone’s life experiences inspire their costume. But nowadays, Halloween’s sanctity has been muzzled and shackled with “socially acceptable costume parameters”, seeking to corral the individual’s imagination into acceptable modes of expression. Why should we lend credence to costume mandates from the likes of a bunch of pod-dwelling banshees? Celebration through imitation should be encouraged in these Great States. Your costume, your choice, and anyone who says otherwise can go fill their trick-or-treat bag with toothpaste and apples.
Here are a few ideas to get you started.
TAXPAYER FUNDED TITAN
Descending magnanimously from Mount Olympus, the Titans require only a small sales tax sacrifice for their benevolent presence. Their crumbling, and still not fully paid for, Temple of Nissan must be replaced to maintain their gracious presence in our city. This grand new temple will be the largest public subsidy for an NFL stadium in history, and so must surely herald forth Nashville’s Golden Age. East Nashville, home to more coffee shops than high school graduates proficient in mathematics, will reap the Titans’ bounty of selfies and t-shirt cannons. Dodging the game day worshippers of Dionysus and the colossal traffic that pours from Pirene, they will look to the sacred Titans temple in beholden awe. Garb yourself in your finest glistening toga or jersey while being sure to genially steal from your fellow partygoers. Remember, they’re lucky to have you there.
Hey dol! merry dol! ring a dong dillo!
Ring a dong! hop along! Fal lal the willow!
Tom Bom, jolly Tom, Tom Bombadillo!
Tom Bombdail’s theme song (pretty much)
Prepare to honor Middle Earth’s most merry fellow with a bright blue jacket and yellow boots. Ole Tom Bombadil, from the Withywindle River Valley east of the Shire, communicates only in cheery song and his lyrics are always fire.
Ole Tom Bombadil, who jollily scolds even Old Willow, lives with his ever radiant wife Goldberry tucked in a tree house you won’t find on Zillow.
Ole Tom Bombadil, cares for Creation and his wife Goldberry and no other thing, modern temptations cannot corrupt him, not even The One Ring.
Now go forth and celebrate nature's bounty, the warmth of fellowship, and the joy of song.*
* Honestly you're gonna need to slam a few drinks to pull this off correctly.
NASHVILLE GULCH BRO
Slick back the hair, fire up the Juul, crack open a hard seltzer, throw on the vest, and slip on the clouds. It’s time to be a late 20s, early 30s Nashville Gulch douche bro. Just moved here from L.A. or Chicago? Perfect. Don’t forget to mention to the ladies how many times you almost made a fin-tech crypto killing in NYC and show off those epic beach bar pics from Thailand where you went to “recenter and expand your third eye”. You’ll want to come prepared with a rented Tesla, designer dog, verified Instagram, and monthly Dave Portnoy Essential Bro Box subscription. We’ll see you at Bar Louie for the happy, hour but will have to leave later to meet a Hinge date at L.A. Jackson.
BERNAL DÍAZ DEL CASTILLO
In the name of God and Queen, Bernal Diaz del Castillo traveled to the New World in search of riches both earthly and heavenly. Whether Castillo was there to spread the light of Christ and liberate the natives from the yoke of the tyrannical Aztecs, or for colonial greed and the rapine and the pillaging is based entirely on whatever your social circle finds acceptable. Engaged in almost constant underdog fights and near-death adventures, Castillo ended his life as Governor of Guatemala and a worthy autobiographer. Adorn yourself in a glimmering steel morion and breastplate carrying your favorite crossbow/arquebus, Holy Rosary and Aztec gold. ¡Santiago!
HERR MAYOR COOPERMEISTER MEISTER COOPER
Herr Mayor Coopermeister Meister Cooper learned what his urvater (forefather) Burgermeister Meisterburger never did: fun sells and not at the expense of tyranny. Rather than banning fun toys as Burgermeister did, Coopermeister simply forces his denizens to pay for the toys of other spoiled children while their out-of-town parents pay him for them. Coopermeister does not hate the sound of children’s laughter as long as it's masked and being taxed on Broadway. Nashvillians must work hard to please the Coopermeister’s chosen class, The Tourist, or else face the harsh lash of property taxes and revoked occupancy limit permits.
Note While a former Mayor Megan Barry costume would involve an appropriately Halloween-themed graveyard, it would also involve inappropriately wearing only a black purse and high heels.
“In this age there are many ambitious politicians, and none of them do my race good.”
Wear a sombrero and a sweet stache to honor one of Mexico’s most notable freedom fighters, Pancho Villa. Villa’s desire for freedom and vengeance started at a young age when he killed an estate overseer for assaulting his sister. Fleeing to the mountains he grew adept at banditry and guerilla tactics which aided his future career as a rebel leader in the Mexican Revolution- heralding the downfall of Diaz’s 29-year dictatorial reign. Go ahead rock a sombrero, sport a mammoth stache, and fire off that pistol in the air.*
* Pamphleteer is not responsible for any injuries sustained or criminal liabilities incurred due to the reader firing their pistol off into the air in celebration of Pancho Villa.
GHOST OF SPECIAL COUNSEL LEADER JOHN DURHAM
We’d like to think Durham’s ghost haunts the fetid minds of Hillary, Comey, Mueller, Elias, and the horde of corrupt intelligence officials, media, and DNC staffers that peddled operation Crossfire Hurricane to spy on the Office of President Trump and bring about the infamous pee tapes story, etc., but alas, he is as much a ghost to them as he is to the most ardent Dark Ultra MAGA election denying deplorable.
“Durham is coming! Durham is coming!” shout Sean Hannity, John Solomon, and 4Chan. His final report is due to be delivered to a likely conservative congress, but we all know how effective those Congressional Committees are… We’ll get ‘em next election!! They say if you chant, “Lock her up” three times while burning sealed indictment incense his ghost will appear...
"Sire, my life is ever at your command, but my honour is my own."
By the Lion, I say, there is no more honorable creature to festively replicate than the Knight of Aslan, Reepicheep. Descended from the field mice who liberated Aslan from the sacrificial stone table, Reepicheep has devoted his life to shunning cowardice in the pursuit of glory and honor in the Lion’s name. The sole being accepted bodily into Aslan’s country, none can surpass a heart as pure and noble as Reepicheep’s. Accompany your costume with dashing bouts of heroic swordplay, solemn vows, and noble deeds. By the Lion!
A NASHVILLE BACHELORETTE
This is a gimme really, but if you need a quick guide: get obnoxiously drunk, throw on some cowboy boots and hat, get matching t-shirts, obviously, then grab a phallic prop, and roll on the street of Printers Alley. Make sure to practice those “woos”!
Break out the feathered headdress and the warpaint because it’s time to celebrate Tecumseh. Tecumseh; a Shawnee warrior, predictor of eclipses, and unifier of the tribes is known as the man who after predicting an eclipse almost united all of North America’s Native American tribes under one banner. If he had succeeded would the Mid and Western United States have ever existed? Who knows, but fire up the peyote and reach for the shooting stars anyways.
Society’s collective roller coaster of cognitive dissonance surrounding this man never ceases to amaze me. Rapper, Prophet of his generation, Entrepreneur, Dragon Master, Influencer, Bigot, Liberator? Whatever he is or isn’t, he’s a character for sure. To pull off this infamous celebrity's dragon energy look, you’ll need a [Insert noun of your choosing] Lives Matter shirt, pants from the homeless guy under I-40, and a pair of Apollo 13 moon boots.
AVOIDING CRINGE COSTUMES
- The Mandalorian Sorry, bro. Just don’t. Nope, not based. Unless maaaaybe you paid like two grand and have a realllly sweet costume (which is still kinda lame I hope you’re ammo and 401k are fully stocked).
- Hillary in an Orange Jumpsuit Trust me. Truuuuuuuust me, I wanna see HilDawg Perpwalk to gitmo, but too soon bro, too soon.
- A Jabbed Sheep Would wearing a sheep costume filled with needles be a pretty accurate metaphor? Mmmmyeeesssss, but c’mon. Don’t be a dick for someone’s medical choices no matter what psyop they fell for or what social media virtue-signaling they engaged in.
TOO SCARY TO BE IN PUBLIC
- Margaret Sanger
- Saul Alinksy
- Karl Marx